What Should I Say to My Kids Before We Move to New Jersey?

You have decided to move from Staten Island to New Jersey.

The house is being sold. The new home is being purchased. The move date is on the calendar.

Now comes the harder part. Telling your kids.

Not the logistics. The emotional conversation. What to say. How to say it. When to say it. How to help them through the change.

Most parents underestimate how much this matters. Kids handle moves in vastly different ways depending on how they were prepared and supported.

Let me walk you through what actually helps.

I am Allison Mireau with Real Connect Group. I help families through relocations regularly. I have seen what works for kids and what does not.

A note up front. I am not a child psychologist, family therapist, or counselor. Every family and every child is different. For serious emotional support needs, work with qualified professionals.

What I can offer is what I have observed across many family relocations and what has helped kids adjust well.

Why this conversation matters

The way you approach the move with your kids shapes:

• How they experience the change emotionally

• How well they adapt to their new environment

• How they process the loss of what they are leaving

• How much support you can give them during the transition

• How the whole family's dynamic works during and after the move

Kids who were prepared and supported often thrive after moves. Kids who were surprised or unsupported often struggle much longer.

The extra emotional work you put in matters.

When to tell them

Timing depends on age and family situation.

Young children (under 6)

Tell them a few weeks before the move. Enough time to prepare, not so much they get anxious.

Younger children generally adapt well but can worry about specific things (their toys, their bed, their friends).

Elementary school age (6 to 11)

Tell them 6 to 8 weeks before the move. Give them time to process, ask questions, and start saying goodbye.

Elementary kids form real friendships and routines. The transition needs some runway.

Middle school age (12 to 14)

Tell them 8 to 10 weeks before the move. Older kids need more time to process. They have deeper social ties.

Middle schoolers can be the hardest group. Their identity is deeply tied to their current social circle.

High school age (15 to 17)

Tell them 10 to 12 weeks before the move if possible. Consider involving them in some decisions.

High schoolers often have the strongest ties to current school, activities, and friends.

Multiple children of different ages

Tell them separately if possible, at ages-appropriate times. Or tell them together if that works better for your family dynamics.

Each child needs to hear the message in a way that fits their age and understanding.

What to say

The specific words depend on your family. But the general framework matters.

1. Be honest

Kids can tell when you are minimizing or hiding things. Be honest about the move.

"We have made a decision that our family is moving to New Jersey."

Do not soften it into vagueness. Do not present it as a possibility if it is a decision.

2. Explain why (age-appropriate)

Kids do better when they understand the reason.

For younger children, keep it simple:

"We wanted more space for our family."
"Mommy or Daddy has a new job."
"We want to be closer to Grandma."

For older kids, more nuance:

"We looked at our finances and this makes sense."
"We think this school district will be better for you."
"We want more outdoor space and a bigger yard."

Give real reasons, not sugar-coated ones.

3. Acknowledge what they are feeling

Kids will have emotions. Sometimes they cannot articulate them. Sometimes they react in unexpected ways.

Validate whatever they feel:

"I know this is a big change."
"It is okay to feel sad."
"It is normal to feel excited and scared at the same time."
"I understand you love your school and friends."

Do not tell them how they should feel. Let them feel what they feel.

4. Answer questions honestly

Kids will ask questions. Some will be practical (Will my room be bigger? Where will my toys go?). Some will be emotional (Will I have friends? What about my dog?).

Answer honestly. If you do not know, say so.

"I do not know yet, but we will figure it out together."

Avoid making promises you cannot keep.

5. Explain what will stay the same

Change is easier when kids know what stays the same.

• The family stays together

• Their toys and belongings come with them

• The dog is coming

• Certain activities continue

Anchor them in the constants.

6. Explain what will change

Then be clear about what changes.

• New house

• New school

• Some new routines

• New friends over time

Do not pretend nothing changes. Kids see through this.

7. Get their input where appropriate

Depending on age, involve them in some decisions.

• Where to put things in their new room

• Which activities to continue and try new

• Which items to bring, which to donate

• What color to paint their new room

Feeling some control helps them handle the change.

8. Talk about the good parts

Do not just focus on the loss. Talk about the positive.

• New adventures

• New friends

• New room

• New yard or park nearby

Balance the loss with the excitement.

9. Give them time to grieve

Even in the best moves, kids grieve what they are leaving. That grief is normal and healthy.

Do not rush them through it. Let them feel sad about leaving friends, teachers, and the familiar.

10. Reassure them of the family

The move is a family change. Kids need to know the family is stable through it.

"We are moving together. We are all in this together."

Age-specific considerations

Different ages need different approaches.

Young children (under 6)

Focus on:

• What stays the same (family, toys, pets)

• Making the new space familiar (their room, their bed, familiar items)

• Simple concrete explanations

• Playing pretend "moving" with dolls or toys

• Visiting the new home before moving if possible

They often adapt within days. Their memory of the previous home fades faster than parents expect.

Elementary age (6 to 11)

Focus on:

• Preserving friendships (arrange visits, contact info)

• Making the new school an adventure

• Involving them in decisions about their room

• Having them meet children in the new neighborhood

• Continuing familiar routines when possible

They form new friendships within weeks in most cases. Support the transition without forcing it.

Middle school age (12 to 14)

Focus on:

• Recognizing this is emotionally the hardest age

• Validating the loss they feel

• Helping them stay connected to old friends

• Encouraging early involvement in the new community

• Being available for conversations about how they are feeling

Middle schoolers often struggle more than parents expect. Extra patience helps.

High school age (15 to 17)

Focus on:

• Involving them in decisions where possible

• Understanding their concerns about school, activities, and college prospects

• Helping them research and connect with the new school

• Facilitating early visits or meetings

• Being real with them about the trade-offs

High schoolers benefit from being treated as near-adults with real input into the process.

What to do beyond the initial conversation

Once you have told them, the conversation continues.

1. Keep checking in

Ask how they are feeling. Not once. Regularly.

"How are you feeling about the move today?"

Their feelings may change as the move approaches.

2. Take them to the new area if possible

Visit the new town before the move. Walk the neighborhood. See the school. Meet children in the area if possible.

Familiarity helps.

3. Facilitate goodbyes

Help them say goodbye to their current school, friends, teachers, and community.

• Farewell parties or gatherings

• Trading contact information

• Photos or scrapbooks

• Special activities before the move

Goodbyes matter for emotional closure.

4. Involve them in moving preparations

Include them in age-appropriate ways.

• Packing their own room

• Choosing what to bring

• Helping with tasks

• Making decisions

Feeling involved reduces feeling controlled.

5. Preserve important routines

If possible, maintain some routines from before the move. Family dinners. Weekend activities. Bedtime traditions.

Consistency in a changing environment helps.

6. Plan the first day carefully

The first day in the new home matters. Have kids' items unpacked and their room ready. Set up a familiar space.

Order pizza for the first dinner if that is your family tradition. Do something normal to signal that life continues.

7. Facilitate connections in the new community

Help them meet neighbors. Sign them up for activities. Attend community events. Get them into the new school district's orientation.

The faster they build connections, the faster they adjust.

8. Be patient with adjustment

The first weeks and months are hard. Kids may:

• Miss their old friends intensely

• Not want to make new friends yet

• Have moments of sadness or anger

• Have difficulty at the new school

This is normal. Support them without forcing rapid adaptation.

Common mistakes parents make

A few honest patterns.

Mistake 1: Minimizing the change

Some parents downplay how big this is. "It will be great. You will love it."

Kids see through this. Minimizing their feelings makes them feel dismissed.

Acknowledge the change fully.

Mistake 2: Waiting too long to tell them

Some parents wait until move day is close. Kids get less time to process.

Give them appropriate time to prepare emotionally.

Mistake 3: Making empty promises

"You will have lots of friends. You will love the new school."

You do not know this. Kids remember when promises do not materialize.

Be honest about what you know and what you do not.

Mistake 4: Not involving them

Kids feel more in control when involved in decisions. Being told what will happen without input creates resistance.

Give them age-appropriate involvement.

Mistake 5: Rushing the emotional processing

Some parents want kids to be "over it" quickly. Grief takes time.

Allow them to feel sad, angry, or worried for as long as they need.

Mistake 6: Not maintaining old friendships

Some parents encourage a clean break. This often makes the transition harder.

Facilitate ongoing connection to old friends where possible.

Mistake 7: Focusing only on the positive

Some parents only present the positive side. Kids sense the reality.

Acknowledge both the losses and the gains.

When professional support helps

Sometimes kids need more support than parents can provide alone.

Consider professional help if:

• A child becomes significantly depressed or anxious about the move

• Behavior changes are severe or extended (weeks after the move)

• The child is having academic difficulties in the new school

• The child is having significant social difficulties adjusting

• Family stress is severe

• Any child expresses thoughts of self-harm or crisis

Family therapists, school counselors, and children's mental health professionals can help.

Do not hesitate to seek support if needed.

The role of both parents

Even in the smoothest moves, the emotional work often falls unevenly on one parent.

A few honest thoughts.

Both parents should be involved

Kids benefit from both parents engaging with the move emotionally, not just logistically.

Both parents should be honest with each other

If one parent is more comfortable with the move than the other, honest conversation matters.

Both parents should support each other

The move is stressful for both parents. Support each other through it.

Neither parent should carry the emotional weight alone.

The role of extended family

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Extended family often plays a role in the transition.

Some family members may struggle with the move too

Grandparents who will see less of your family may grieve their own loss. Give them space to process.

Encourage ongoing relationships

Even after the move, plan visits, video calls, and other ways to maintain connection.

Do not let extended family create resistance

Sometimes family members try to convince you not to move. Handle this honestly but firmly. This is your family's decision.

What to do in the weeks after the move

The transition continues after move day.

1. Give kids time to adjust

Do not expect them to feel settled immediately. It takes weeks to months.

2. Keep some familiar rituals

Family dinners. Bedtime routines. Weekend activities. Continue what worked before.

3. Help them make new connections

Encourage engagement with the new community, school, and neighbors.

4. Be patient with academic and social difficulties

The first months in a new school are hard. Support them without pushing too hard.

5. Maintain contact with old friends

Regular calls, video chats, and visits when possible help kids feel connected to their past.

6. Celebrate progress

Notice and acknowledge when they seem settled. When they make new friends. When they feel at home.

7. Keep talking about it

Check in regularly. How are they feeling? What are they missing? What are they excited about?

The conversation is not a one-time thing.

The long game

Most children adapt well to moves over time. Some studies suggest that most kids are fully settled within 6 to 12 months of a move.

Some kids adapt faster. Some take longer. Both are normal.

Your job is to support them through the transition. Not to speed it up.

Give them time. Give them support. Give them love.

They will get through this. So will your family.

What I help families with

When SI families ask me about the emotional side of the move, I:

• Share what I have seen work in other families

• Offer general framework and guidance

• Suggest resources when appropriate

• Refer to family therapists or child psychologists if needed

• Handle the real estate side calmly so families can focus on the emotional side

The move is more than a transaction. It is a family transition. I try to help both sides.

What I will not pretend to advise on

I am not a child psychologist, family therapist, or counselor. For serious emotional support needs, work with qualified professionals.

For your specific family and children's needs, professional guidance can be invaluable.

All of our work follows the Fair Housing Act, RESPA, the NAR Code of Ethics, and the real estate commission guidelines for New York and New Jersey.

Before you have the conversation

Take time to think about your specific approach. Consider your children's ages, personalities, and current situations.

Have the conversation with intention. Have it with love. Have it with honesty.

Kids remember how their parents handled major life changes. This is one of those moments.

Have questions about selling your home or relocating? Reach out to Allison today.

Call: 646.266.0188
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.statenislandtonewjersey.com

Contact Allison today to sell your home in SI and plan your family's move.